johnnyhongkong says…

This is classic good news/bad news.

Good news first:

Last we heard from the pilot, he had flown off to FOX network.  After being told he was fat, then having to starve and lose weight, some scary pre-flight/pre-fight  issues temporarily got in the way of his departure but he finally made it off the runway and landed at the network.

I left this plot thread because FOX said no a few days before the strike started.  Or rather, they didn’t say no, it just passed the date when they said they would say anything and that if we didn’t hear by then, we could safely assume that we were ass out.

Then the strike hit and the pilot was grounded.

But since the strike, the pilot was quickly put in the air, landed at FOX Television and in a bit of irony, they fell in love with it.

We had a “meeting.”  They gave me water!  And like totally told me how much they loved the script.  it was like being told at a PTA meeting that your kid is smart and well liked.  I didn’t raise the stinky kid!

From what I understand, if they can get a network to love it as much as they do, we might have a show made.

!!!

The script was sent out to four real, brand name cable networks with the FOX TV stamp of approval.

Now for the bad news:

One of them, one of the big three, passed.  It was not unexpected – in our meeting at Fox, we were told to expect a “no” from them because our show is not the kind of show they want to make.  They’re into making shows that grab headlines.  They liked the writing, though.  Cold comfort.

Whatevs.  This is just a temporary setback because I heard that Barack Obama has his fingers crossed for us because he loves the pilot too and promises that he will do everything in his power to make our show happen.

Even so, keep your fingers crossed too.

The pilot is off to FOX and after a harrowing 12-hours of pre-flight clearances and obtaining proper paperwork, he is ready for take off and expects a smooth sail…flight…landing…I don’t know, I’m getting my metaphors mixed up.  Whatever, you get the picture.

Hopefully the FOX folks like his new svelteness and the fact that we made him read Pygmalion and watch My Fair Lady a few times.  He no longer swears like a sailor, he knows how to rumba, and his drink of choice isn’t beer anymore.  It’s tea with only one cube of sugar and he holds the teacup with his pinky cocked in the air.

Audrey Hepburn is his favorite.

The Pilot’s made weight. He’s healthy, coherent, and ready to fight.

Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, he may not be given a chance to fight at Fox.

Stay tuned to this developing story.

The Pilot’s made weight. 60 pages. Just by the skin of his teeth. I wish I could lose weight like he did.

He’s kind of delirious and I’m not quite sure he’s making sense. He’ll be spending the next few days at the doctor to make sure that he’s coherent. If so, he’ll go into FOX as a lean, mean, fighting machine. If not, he may balloon back up and have to cut weight again next week before being evaluated by “the media.”

Keep your fingers crossed.

Lunch time.  I am eating a sandwich I like to call the treyf trio: salami, mortadella and cappicola.  Yummy.

The Pilot stares at me contemptuously as he continues to cut weight.  After two nights in steam room, he’s down to 61 pages.  It’s time for more drastic measures because that last page, like the proverbial last ten pounds of a diet, is going to be a bitch to lose.

A few weeks ago, my rockstar friend Sydney, and her legendary ukele band The Hazzards (formerly, The Ukes of Hazzard before a nasty cease and desist order) were in town for a shoot.

We met for cocktails at the Avalon Hotel where we drank mojitos and caught up (the star of “Gay Boyfriend,” The Hazzards first hit single, fabulously dished about a member of my old stable of actors who now rolls like the Godfather).

But that’s beside the point. The Hazzards were in town to shoot some music videos for The Rad Girls, the “breakout hit on Fuse TV.” For those who don’t know, The Rad Girls are three girls who do stunts like putting Tobasco in their eye, farting in people’s faces, and body surfing down flights of stairs.

If this sounds familiar, it is. It’s Jackass as produced by Joe Francis. (the real producer wants to make a Jackass with black dudes and call it Blackass).

Apparently being a breakout hit on Fuse means that you’re still not doing well. So The Hazzards were called to Hellay to add their unique flava and immense charm to the show.

And finally after weeks of the same Rad Girls episodes piling up on the TiVo, the first of the Hazzards episodes aired last night. They sing a song called “Rad Girls vs. Models,” which frames a competition between the Rad Girls and Models. This isn’t rocket science.

Dramatically, the Hazards sort of serve as the Rad Girls Greek chorus. They give the girls purpose. After the Hazards spot, the rest of the show is unwatchable (The Hair Dryer Duel is charming).

Really, the problem with Rad Girls is that is lacks the joie de vivre, bonhomie and espirit de corps of the Jackass boys and without those qualities, they need something like a Greek Chorus to give the show some shape and focus. And the stunts go on too long.

You can check out the Hazards on Rad Girls on Fuse TV. The show seems to be on all the time. If you don’t see a music video in the first five minutes, come back next time.

And if you’re in New York, go check them out. They play weekly shows in and around the NY Metro area. Here’s the video for “Gay Boyfriend,” The Hazzards Top 70′s hit in the UK:

Pilot Weight Loss Update: A night in the steam room riding the airdyne and the Pilot is down to 66 pages. He’s tired and hungry.

Oh wait, that’s me.

As many of you know, the Pilot That Just Won’t Land landed a few weeks ago. And now after such a trying time in the air, he’s being called fat.

The Pilot’s going into Fox in two weeks and since the media is weight obsessed, is it any surprise that they’re saying he’s heavy?

Fox Network is requiring that the submission be 60-pages max and the Pilot is 68. According to Fox, he’s got some junk in the trunk. According to me, baby’s got back.

At his regular fighting weight, the Pilot is able to shake its ass and watch itself. At a lighter weight, I’m afraid he’ll have nothing to shake, nor the strength to monitor himself.

He’s gotta cut weight. 8 pages or 12% of his body weight. So it’s off to the steam room to ride the airdyne. Jumping rope and running dressed in sweatshirts and plastic bags. Spitting into cups. Eating nothing but egg whites. According to Ultimate Fighters, boxers and wrestlers cutting weight is the worst. So, if you happen to see anyone running around Hollywood, screaming obscenities and waving a gun around, relax, it’s only Martin Lawrence.