johnnyhongkong says…

It’s hard to spend three trillion dollars, which is what we’ve spent on the war in Iraq.  You try it. 

My checkout list is below.  I got up to $2.99 trillion and then realized that I was pretty much spitting in an ocean to get the total to $3 trillion.  Most recent items added to my cart are at the top. 

My top priorities were to end hunger, provide national healthcare, end dependence on foreign oil, wipe out third world debt, and also own two NFL teams.  I am the proud funder of 4 artists for one year and the owner of the Milwaukee Brewers.  I can’t remember if I bought Fox News for the public good.  If not, I think I might return a few items. 

H1 Camera KitQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $6,549.99

 

IMPEACH BUSH & CHENEYQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $1,000,000.00

 

Non-Violent Leadership Training (1 yr) for 10 Million LeadersQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $300,000.00

 

Make a Hollywood MovieQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $106,600,000.00

 

Private Jet – Challenger 605QUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $3,010,000.00

 

Island in BahamasQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $15,000,000.00

 

Malibu beach compound on 7 acres with stablesQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $75,000,000.00

 

Homes for the homelessQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $350,000.00

 

Sony HDR-FX1 3-CCD HDV High Definition Camcorder w/12x Optical ZoomQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $3,399.00

 

art: keep 1 artist working 1 yearQUANTITY: 5 PRICE: $45,622.00

 

Micro BreweryQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $1,000,000.00

 

Healthy FoodQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $2,000,000,000.00

 

New York YankeesQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $1,027,000,000.00

 

The Milwaukee BrewersQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $287,000,000.00

 

Everglades RestorationQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $20,000,000,000.00

 

Secret Island FortressQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $15,000,000.00

 

Reconstructed manufacturing plants providing jobs with pensions and health benfitsQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $1,000,000.00

 

Search for a Cure to CancerQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $6,000,000,000.00

 

Single Mom’s need Help too…QUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $182,800,000,000.00

 

A co-operative brewpub in every county in the U.S.QUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $1,260,800,000.00

 

Increase sustainable Organic Produce in the USQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $10,000,000,000.00

 

revamp the u.s. education systemQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $100,000,000.00

 

K-12 Arts and music educationQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $6,000,000,000.00

 

Desalination PlantsQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $300,000,000.00

 

Grants for artistsQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $500,000,000.00

 

GoogleQUANTITY: 2 PRICE: $2,499,750,000.00

 

Cure a Deadly DiseaseQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $1,500,000.00

 

Achieve the Millennium Development GoalsQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $60,000,000,000.00

 

National SecurityQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $10,000,000,000.00

 

Plant 1,000,000 treesQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $10,000,000.00

 

NFL TeamQUANTITY: 2 PRICE: $957,000,000.00

 

Exxon MobilQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $400,000,000,000.00

 

Achieve Universal LiteracyQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $5,000,000,000.00

 

give every teacher a rai$eQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $100,000,000.00

 

Health Care and Housing for Veterans in NeedQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $3,000,000,000.00

 

Fending off house foreclosures.QUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $240,000,000,000.00

 

End Third-World DebtQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $422,000,000,000.00

 

Bring art education to the nation’s schoolsQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $100,000,000.00

 

End hunger and poverty related diseasesQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $195,000,000,000.00

 

End our Dependence on Foreign OilQUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $500,000,000,000.00

 

Universal Health Care for Every American (300 million of us)QUANTITY: 1 PRICE: $920,100,000,000.00

 

TOTAL: $2,992,718,298,058.99

Amazing.  The presidential candidates will be on WWE’s RAW tonight.

Close readers will remember that Joey Jerusalem had sent this in a few months back:

If ya smeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What Barack is cookin’!!!

I finally got to mess around with iChat/AV on my black MacBook this evening with Lee-Roy and his brand spanking new MacBook Pro.  I know I’m a little late to the party on this but man that some wild ass shit – you can see and talk to a person through the computer, in real time?  Like they do in the future?  Did somebody just make a damn time machine and stick these MacBooks in them?  What will those fuckers think of next?  Anyway, since we were video chatting, Lee-Roy was able to show me his PEZ collection, including some Japanese PEZ dispensers.  Like all things Japanese, they’re small, tiny and totally fucking weird.  He’s got a Gachapin dispenser, his Yeti buddy Mukku and all the other folks in the video below.  They promote athleticism.  And if you stop the video before the end, you’ll miss the big finish at the end.    

My meeting at FOX got pushed back to Thursday. 

And good thing too because this story about Cindy McCain jacking recipes from the Food Network for the McCain Family Recipes page on the campaign website was just too good to pass up.

What the F were those fuckers thinking?

In a Monday morning strategy session:

Chief strategist: “We need to make Cindy more matronly.”

Underling: “Let’s make a page on the website that links to her heirloom family recipes.”

CS: “That bitch can’t cook.”

Underling: “They’re just recipes.  She doesn’t have to cook them.”

CS: “Genius – make up some recipes and we’ll spin a story about what a wonderful homemaker she is.  That’ll really speak to the housewives of America.”

Doing research, the Underling surfs over to the Food Network site and his mouth waters when he sees the recipe for Passion Fruit Mousse.  Because that’s precisely the thing that a cougary, milfy mom like Cindy McCain makes.  The underling copies and pastes it. 

Asian Ahi Tuna with Napa Cabbage slaw?  Yumm-O, he thought.  He just forgot that the mere mention of fish sauce would send John McCain into an apoplectic fit.

Farfalle Pasta with Turkey Sausage, Peas and Mushrooms?  Mmm…Giada De Laurentis.  Now, he’s just asking to get caught…which is exactly what happened.  

This is one of those weird examples of a campaign underling getting way too creative with a PR project and then not committing fully to the idea. 

If they weren’t so damn creative, they could have just typed something up from the Joy of Cooking.  You know how big that book is?  Nobody would have recognized that Cindy McCain’s recipe for lasagna was exactly the same as the one of the millions published in cookbooks.

And if they had fully committed to the idea, they would have changed some details in the recipe so that Google couldn’t drop a dime on him.  It never would have happened if he had changed “farafalle” to ”gemelli” and “turkey sausage” to “hot pork sausage.”

The campaign jacked recipes from Gale Gand, the Cooking Thin chick, Giada De Laurentis and Rachael Ray.  But do you know whose recipe file they didn’t raid?
 
Semi-Homemade’s Sandra Lee. 

As Cindy McCain’s younger, less creepy looking, dead ringer it could have at least sparked some “have you ever seen the two of them in the same place at the same time” gossip. 

 

Maybe they didn’t use Sandra Lee and her half-bought/half-homemade cooking philosophy so as to not  portray Cindy as lazy. 

But then why plagiarize recipes to begin with? 

I have not forsaken you dear blog readers.  It’s just been that I’ve been under the gun preparing some pitches for FOX.  They have me on their schedule for tomorrow. 

Yep that’s right, tax day.  Who’s f’ing brilliant idea was that?

Mine. 

FOX: “When do you want to come in, jhk?”

jhk: ”Whenever is good for you, master.”

FOX: ”How about 4/15?”

jhk: “Okay.” 

If you want to have an idea about how I feel right about now, check out this video of that poor guy who was stuck in an elevator at the McGraw-Hill building for 41 hours back in 1999. 

It’s totally sped up for your “enjoyment.”

Eagle eyed viewers will notice that it does not look like he pees or poops in the 40 or so hours he is trapped in there.

Yeay!  It’s officially National Grilled Cheese month! 

Seriously. 

LAist has a bunch of places you can celebrate this tasty holiday.  Clementine, where yours truly once ate lunch with George Clooney (more like next to George Clooney) , is holding a grilled cheese primary where you can exercise your franchise by selecting the next Commander in Cheese.  Check out their sample ballot for some great copy, including the Grilled Cheese Eater Bill of Rights:

1. You have the right to eat grilled cheese as often as you want, free from intimidation by your doctor or vegans.

…

3. You have the right to add bacon to any sandwich

If John McCain is the “Aged Provolone” sandwich, then what is Obama?  HRC? 

Suspiciously absent from LAist’s list is Campanile‘s Grilled Cheese Thursday Night which if you live in L.A. and haven’t been to yet, you should be ashamed of your foodie self.  

And though this list is a year old, you New Yorkers can show your cheesy pride too. 

Eliot was right, April is the cruelest month…for vegans.