This is my new favorite site.  It’s hard to imagine why the content is sparse (there are only 35 dicks in the world worthy of being profiled?) it is all good stuff. 

On Patriots quarterback Tom Brady:

Right-handed, white, clean of herpes, and not currently serving jail time for dog fighting, Tom Brady is the dick yin to Michael Vick’s dick yang, which, incidentally, doctors recommend you never touch without latex gloves.  

On Simon Cowell:

In addition to American Idol, Cowell is responsible for several other shows on American television. While not quite reaching the popularity of Idol, each of these new programs has achieved some success among people who enjoy amateurs trying to act like professionals, and either sucking at it, or reaching a high enough level of mediocrity that it is confused by some for actual entertainment. These shows include: American Inventor, in which contestants try to convince George Foreman that their invention is as good as his grill; America’s Got Talent, in which contestant performances suggest that, for the most part, America does not, in fact, have talent; Grease Is the Word, in which gay people compete to live out their dream of playing tough Italian guys in a musical; and Celebrity Duets, in which viewers try to hang themselves.

On Geraldo Rivera:

Geraldo Rivera began his effrontery to televised news in Brooklyn, New York. His father was Puerto Rican and his mother was Jewish. A famous mustache-wearer in later years, Rivera enjoys the rare distinction of potentially having been both a Sweathog and Mr. Kotter.

Rivera is an alumnus of the University of Arizona, where he participated in varsity lacrosse, a sport played exclusively by dicks. Rivera also attended Brooklyn Law School, to which he recently donated a snack bar. Not a library. Not a scholarship fund. A snack bar. Like all of Geraldo’s contributions to society, it provides unhealthy, bite-size nuggets that are pleasing enough at the time, but that you later deeply regret having consumed.

On Dick Cheney:

Every decision he has ever made has been wrong.

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