johnnyhongkong says…

This is my new favorite site.  It’s hard to imagine why the content is sparse (there are only 35 dicks in the world worthy of being profiled?) it is all good stuff. 

On Patriots quarterback Tom Brady:

Right-handed, white, clean of herpes, and not currently serving jail time for dog fighting, Tom Brady is the dick yin to Michael Vick’s dick yang, which, incidentally, doctors recommend you never touch without latex gloves.  

On Simon Cowell:

In addition to American Idol, Cowell is responsible for several other shows on American television. While not quite reaching the popularity of Idol, each of these new programs has achieved some success among people who enjoy amateurs trying to act like professionals, and either sucking at it, or reaching a high enough level of mediocrity that it is confused by some for actual entertainment. These shows include: American Inventor, in which contestants try to convince George Foreman that their invention is as good as his grill; America’s Got Talent, in which contestant performances suggest that, for the most part, America does not, in fact, have talent; Grease Is the Word, in which gay people compete to live out their dream of playing tough Italian guys in a musical; and Celebrity Duets, in which viewers try to hang themselves.

On Geraldo Rivera:

Geraldo Rivera began his effrontery to televised news in Brooklyn, New York. His father was Puerto Rican and his mother was Jewish. A famous mustache-wearer in later years, Rivera enjoys the rare distinction of potentially having been both a Sweathog and Mr. Kotter.

Rivera is an alumnus of the University of Arizona, where he participated in varsity lacrosse, a sport played exclusively by dicks. Rivera also attended Brooklyn Law School, to which he recently donated a snack bar. Not a library. Not a scholarship fund. A snack bar. Like all of Geraldo’s contributions to society, it provides unhealthy, bite-size nuggets that are pleasing enough at the time, but that you later deeply regret having consumed.

On Dick Cheney:

Every decision he has ever made has been wrong.

Amy Smart smiled at me at the gym today. It’s also Oscar Sunday and for the first time in a few years, Mary Milan and I have seen all the best picture nominees (thank god for screeners!). Coincidence? I think not.

Here are my annual predictions. I guarantee nothing except that I will not get all of them correct.

Best Picture

* Atonement
* Juno
* Michael Clayton
* No Country for Old Men
* There Will Be Blood

My pick: There Will Be Blood
My prediction: No Country for Old Men

Best Director

* Paul Thomas Anderson – There Will Be Blood
* Joel Coen and Ethan Coen – No Country for Old Men
* Tony Gilroy – Michael Clayton
* Jason Reitman – Juno
* Julian Schnabel – The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

My pick: Paul Thomas Anderson
My prediction: The Coen Brothers

Best Actor

* George Clooney – Michael Clayton
* Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood
* Johnny Depp – Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
* Tommy Lee Jones – In the Valley of Elah
* Viggo Mortensen – Eastern Promises

My pick: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will be Blood
My prediction: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will be Blood

Best Actress

* Cate Blanchett – Elizabeth: The Golden Age
* Julie Christie – Away from Her
* Marion Cotillard – La Vie en Rose (La môme)
* Laura Linney – The Savages
* Ellen Page – Juno

My pick: Julie Christie, Away from Her
My prediction: Ellen Page, Juno

Best Supporting Actor

* Casey Affleck – The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
* Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men
* Philip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson’s War
* Hal Holbrook – Into the Wild
* Tom Wilkinson – Michael Clayton

My pick: Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
My prediction: Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men

Best Supporting Actress

* Cate Blanchett – I’m Not There
* Ruby Dee – American Gangster
* Saoirse Ronan – Atonement
* Amy Ryan – Gone Baby Gone
* Tilda Swinton – Michael Clayton

My Pick: Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There
My Pick: Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Best Original Screenplay

* Juno – Diablo Cody
* Lars and the Real Girl – Nancy Oliver
* Michael Clayton – Tony Gilroy
* Ratatouille – Brad Bird
* The Savages - Tamara Jenkins

My pick: Michael Clayton by Tony Gilroy
My prediction: Juno by Diablo Cody

Best Adapted Screenplay

* Atonement – Christopher Hampton, from Atonement, novel by Ian McEwan
* Away from Her – Sarah Polley, from “The Bear Came over the Mountain”, short story by Alice Munro
* The Diving Bell and the Butterfly – Ronald Harwood, from Le scaphandre et le papillon, memoir by Jean-Dominique Bauby
* No Country for Old Men – Joel and Ethan Coen, from No Country for Old Men, novel by Cormac McCarthy
* There Will Be Blood – Paul Thomas Anderson, from Oil!, novel by Upton Sinclair

My pick: Atonement
My prediction: No Country for Old Men

Best Animated Feature

* Persepolis
* Ratatouille
* Surf’s Up

Pick: Ratatouille
Prediction: Ratatouille

Did you hear that Barack Obama invented a new language called Spanish and an entirely new musical genre called mariachi?

Viva!

I also heard he invented amnesia.

This is classic good news/bad news.

Good news first:

Last we heard from the pilot, he had flown off to FOX network.  After being told he was fat, then having to starve and lose weight, some scary pre-flight/pre-fight  issues temporarily got in the way of his departure but he finally made it off the runway and landed at the network.

I left this plot thread because FOX said no a few days before the strike started.  Or rather, they didn’t say no, it just passed the date when they said they would say anything and that if we didn’t hear by then, we could safely assume that we were ass out.

Then the strike hit and the pilot was grounded.

But since the strike, the pilot was quickly put in the air, landed at FOX Television and in a bit of irony, they fell in love with it.

We had a “meeting.”  They gave me water!  And like totally told me how much they loved the script.  it was like being told at a PTA meeting that your kid is smart and well liked.  I didn’t raise the stinky kid!

From what I understand, if they can get a network to love it as much as they do, we might have a show made.

!!!

The script was sent out to four real, brand name cable networks with the FOX TV stamp of approval.

Now for the bad news:

One of them, one of the big three, passed.  It was not unexpected – in our meeting at Fox, we were told to expect a “no” from them because our show is not the kind of show they want to make.  They’re into making shows that grab headlines.  They liked the writing, though.  Cold comfort.

Whatevs.  This is just a temporary setback because I heard that Barack Obama has his fingers crossed for us because he loves the pilot too and promises that he will do everything in his power to make our show happen.

Even so, keep your fingers crossed too.

What has Barack Obama done for you today?

You don’t know? 

Well you better recognize fool, because that fucker does everything.  EVERYTHING.

However, to be fair, I’ve been clicking on the site for about five minutes and I have not yet been told that “Barack Obama drinks your milkshake.  He drinks it up.” 

Though it is a dreary post-Edwards world, we must join together and make sure Ralph Nader doesn’t run.

It’s the creepy Mac voice that puts this over the top for me.  Well, that and the creepy Mac voice describing the Kuc’s lady.

Ricky Tokio has been reading the play and screenplay submissions from the hopeful young scribes applying to next year’s MFA class at a prestigious dramatic writing program.  He’s got a few more plays to go before he gets the plumb duty of reading the screenplays.  We’ve been IMing about how he can’t wait to get to the screenplays –

Ricky Tokio: i’m itching to get to the screenplays.  so much easier to read

Ricky Tokio’s new status message - Cleared custom messages   11:35 AM

me: not as dense 

Ricky Tokio: yeah, the scope is different reading screenplays is like following plumbing plans

Sent at 11:47 AM on Thursday

me: yeah.

that’s a good analogy.

blueprint.

not the building.

if it’s a plumbing plan, the words are like the poop.