Taking a break from all the gratuitous wedding blogging, we return to one of my favorite characters - Jean Claude Van Damme. It was his birthday yesterday and Grady Hendrix at Slate did God’s work for the day and put together a retrospective of Van Dammage. A few choice cuts:

You’d think [Cyborg] was the perfect showcase for Jean-Claude Van Damme, but watching him pit his acting ability against Lundgren’s is like watching one of Jerry’s Kids get in the ring with Mike Tyson. Even as a zombified killing machine, Jean-Claude is clearly out of his depth.

But he’s managed to do a lot with a little. Jean-Claude has three expressions: worried, charming, and doing a split. Of the three, doing a split is the most convincing. Getting crucified in Cyborg? Worried. Disposing of a bomb that could blow up a sacred Muslim shrine and start a jihad in The Order? Really worried. Meeting a spunky lady reporter in any number of movies? Charming. Confronting the hitmen who killed his wife? Do a split.

For a lot of actors, not being able to act would be an obstacle, but Jean-Claude has transformed it into his trademark. Acting? Acting is for weirdos like Forest Whitaker (Bloodsport), Kylie Minogue (Street Fighter), or Kieran Culkin (Nowhere to Run). Jean-Claude is just a normal, average guy, you know? When he fights, he likes to head-butt his opponents and kick them in the nuts, the way normal people fight.

And of course Hendrix reports on the biggest news of all - that Jean Claude Van Damme will be playing himself in a movie called J.C.V.D in J.C.V.D.

Can we just stop and take a moment to reflect on how monumental this is? It’s like Jesus Christ playing himself in The Passion of the Christ.

• BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
• « mary milan’s wedding dress is after the jump
• » Hawaii starts here

• BROWSE / IN flicks
• « dead spouse movies
• » bastille day