My blood vendetta against Whole Foods is well documented but since I’m a hypocrite, I still shop there. While it’s true that Whole Foods pretty much leeches any disposable income Mary Milan and I might have by convincing us that we need to buy the antioxidant-rich Gogi berries hand harvested by sherpas in the Himalayas, a lot of pretty people shop there and if we shop there, that must mean we are pretty too, right? That sort of an ego boost is worth the Whole Foods premium, even for rotten fruit. Hell, Academy Award winner Adrien Brody was there the other day shopping for protein bars for his Skeletor ass and in a weird body size contrast, big-boned and non-Academy Award winning Ethan Suplee was there today.

Anyway, after meeting Gluten Free Products Hype Man, who earned his name by hyping all sorts of gluten free products with Flavor Flav-like enthusiasm, from whom I learned that while GlutiNo is a good brand, their breakfast bars are not to be had because:

“Ah, nah, boyeee, this stuff tastes like soap, but this stuff [gingersnap cookies], this is the bomb, dog. Even my kids eat it!”

And then about a gluten free chocolate chip cookie:

“That stuff is sick, boyeee! Stick that shit in the toaster oven and it’s Mrs. Fields baking in yo’kitchen.”

After hyping me on those products, he latched on to another couple and told them about the getting a specific kind of shredded rice cheese for their homemade gluten free pizza that “if you shop with me, will be the bomb!”

Still not the point.

We needed clear plastic wrap for the kitchen. Among all the Whole Foods, Seventh Generation, hippie-dippie brands of aluminum foil and wax paper was regular, plain old Glad Cling Wrap, the only option for clear plastic wrap.

For a moment, I actually kind of felt sad for it because it looked like the corporate, multi-national, red-headed step child of all the environmentally friendly brands.
It was so weird, I actually brought it up with the guy who checked me out.

“What’s up with this Glad Cling Wrap?” I asked him. “I was totally willing to buy $5.00 plastic wrap hand made from a proprietary mixture of recycled organic Tilapia poop and banana leaves by the indigenous people of Sri-Lanka but Glad, that’s the best you can do?”

“Yeah, that’s weird. I guess they haven’t gotten plastic wrap dialed in yet. But to tell you the truth, when I saw fucking Cheerios in the cereal aisle a couple months ago, I knew the end was near.”

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