johnnyhongkong says…

The comedy just doesn’t stop.  Slate posted their internal emails yesterday when the Senator Craig story broke.  Some highlights:

June Thomas: Amen, the police are forever entrapping guys in public restrooms for peeing while gay. Or rather, peeing while wearing nice loafers. 

[snip]

Dickerson: But apparently the bathroom was not so busy that a guy could peer through the crack in the stall door for two minutes without someone saying, “Move along, buddy.” I’m devolving into dorm room hypotheticals here, but if a guy looks into a stall for two minutes and the person being spied upon doesn’t say “shove off,” isn’t that presumably the initiating signal for the peeping tom to start the toe tapping?

They were also touched by genius when they made a video reenactment of Senator Craig’s cottage request. 

It’s obviously a Cruising homage. 

If you haven’t been following the George Michael R. Kelly Senator Larry Craig “Trapped in the Stall” Scandal, you’re missing out on some fine, fine comedy. 

The long and the short of it is that Senator Craig, a conservative Republican and fierce opponent of gay rights, was arrested at the Minnesota/Saint Paul Airport for soliciting sex in the men’s room…from, you guessed it, a dude.  Though married with kids and grandkids, there have been whispers about his sexuality since the mid-80′s.

Anyway, the details of the arrest are hilarious (emphasis all mine):

According to the prosecutor’s complaint, obtained Tuesday by The Associated Press, airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia, who was investigating allegations of sexual conduct in airport restrooms, went into a stall shortly after noon on June 11 and closed the door.

Minutes later, the officer saw Craig gazing into his stall through the crack between the stall door and the frame.

After a man in the adjacent stall left, Craig entered it and put his roller bag against the front of the stall door, “which Sgt. Karsnia’s experience has indicated is used to attempt to conceal sexual conduct by blocking the view from the front of the stall,” said the complaint, which was dated June 25.

The complaint said Craig then tapped his right foot several times and moved it closer to Karsnia’s stall and then moved it to where it touched Karsnia’s foot. Karsnia recognized that “as a signal often used by persons communicating a desire to engage in sexual conduct,” the complaint said.

Craig then passed his left hand under the stall divider into Karsnia’s stall with his palms up and guided it along the divider toward the front of the stall three times, the complaint said.

The officer then showed his police identification under the divider and pointed toward the exit – at which time the defendant exclaimed “No!” the complaint said.

Forget for a moment that you just got your ass kicked on the subject “How to Cruise” by an old, conservative Idaho Republican; he was totally interuppted mid-cruise and exclaimed, “No!”

Man, gone are the days of the red bandana.  If they ever, ever make Cruising 2, Al Pacino’s got some good material to study…

This is from this weekend’s Miss Teen USA contest, which is not supposed to a beauty contest, but a “confidence” contest.  It’s also not an intelligence contest as demonstrated by finalist Miss South Carolina interview portion:

She ended with being the 4th runner-up.  The lesson?  Hotttness only will get you to fifth place in life but hey, it’s still fifth place. 

My blood vendetta against Whole Foods is well documented but since I’m a hypocrite, I still shop there. While it’s true that Whole Foods pretty much leeches any disposable income Mary Milan and I might have by convincing us that we need to buy the antioxidant-rich Gogi berries hand harvested by sherpas in the Himalayas, a lot of pretty people shop there and if we shop there, that must mean we are pretty too, right? That sort of an ego boost is worth the Whole Foods premium, even for rotten fruit. Hell, Academy Award winner Adrien Brody was there the other day shopping for protein bars for his Skeletor ass and in a weird body size contrast, big-boned and non-Academy Award winning Ethan Suplee was there today.

Anyway, after meeting Gluten Free Products Hype Man, who earned his name by hyping all sorts of gluten free products with Flavor Flav-like enthusiasm, from whom I learned that while GlutiNo is a good brand, their breakfast bars are not to be had because:

“Ah, nah, boyeee, this stuff tastes like soap, but this stuff [gingersnap cookies], this is the bomb, dog. Even my kids eat it!”

And then about a gluten free chocolate chip cookie:

“That stuff is sick, boyeee! Stick that shit in the toaster oven and it’s Mrs. Fields baking in yo’kitchen.”

After hyping me on those products, he latched on to another couple and told them about the getting a specific kind of shredded rice cheese for their homemade gluten free pizza that “if you shop with me, will be the bomb!”

Still not the point.

We needed clear plastic wrap for the kitchen. Among all the Whole Foods, Seventh Generation, hippie-dippie brands of aluminum foil and wax paper was regular, plain old Glad Cling Wrap, the only option for clear plastic wrap.

For a moment, I actually kind of felt sad for it because it looked like the corporate, multi-national, red-headed step child of all the environmentally friendly brands.
It was so weird, I actually brought it up with the guy who checked me out.

“What’s up with this Glad Cling Wrap?” I asked him. “I was totally willing to buy $5.00 plastic wrap hand made from a proprietary mixture of recycled organic Tilapia poop and banana leaves by the indigenous people of Sri-Lanka but Glad, that’s the best you can do?”

“Yeah, that’s weird. I guess they haven’t gotten plastic wrap dialed in yet. But to tell you the truth, when I saw fucking Cheerios in the cereal aisle a couple months ago, I knew the end was near.”

A kid in Jersey recently was the first in the world to unlock the Jesus phone from the death grips of AT&T. Unfortunately for all you losers on Sprint, Verizon et. al., the iPhone can only guarantee the eternal souls of T-Mobile users like me! All you need is to do is follow his ten easy steps or you can buy the hacked phone in an eBay auction here.

Kids these days…

This is definitely one of those instances where the sum looks far crazier than its parts:

There was a girl standing outside of the local liquor store who looked like an older, strung out Jennifer Beals. She was drinking an Arizona Ice Tea and had two forties of Mickey’s in black plastic bags hanging off the handles of her expensive looking mountain bike.

So far, the craziest thing is that she looked like a short, cracked out Jennifer Beals; two forties of Mickey’s and the mountain bike, that’s a total fucking party, right?

She tipped off my crazy radar because she was barefoot.

The toenails on her beefy, Flintstones feet were newly painted in a rich red polish.

People who go barefoot in public scare me. Barefoot on a beach, on the grass in a park, all good. But going barefoot, to get on your bike to go to the liquor store for some malt liquor and iced tea tells me that you have bouts of mental irregularity.

It has something to do with leaving in a hurry. If you had to bounce with such quickness that you didn’t have the time to put on some shoes, you must be running from some bad shit, like jail or a mental hygiene center.

Speaking of which, there’s a homeless guy who chills at the 7-11 and Starbucks by us. He has really, really great sneakers. It’s really amazing because they are always clean and look new. He also wears very fashionable skinny pants.

If you’re ever confused about the usage of the term “oh, snap!” refer to the best flowchart ever:

It should be noted that this flowchart also works for the criminally under used, “you got moded!”

Under no circumstances are you to ever use “moded, corroded, your booty exploded,” which is not only juvenile but also mangles the simple, devastating efficiency of “you got moded!”