johnnyhongkong says…

When I came out to L.A., I had coffee with the then head of development at Goldwyn. He told me that the best thing I could do for my career was to join my special interest mafia which for me, meant the Asian Film Mafia (or East/West Players).

That didn’t sit too well with me because it felt disingenuous to me. Though I am Asian – an immigrant, no less – I had/have very little to say about what that means to me and the billion others.

I don’t presume to know anything specific about “the experience.” I don’t have weird animosty towards the Japanese for the Rape of Nanking and as far as I know, the trip to America was a bumpy flight on an airplane where I probably pooped my diaper. I grew up in San Francisco and went to art school where I decided I wanted to write and make movies when I grew up.

I’m a writer/director. That I happen to be an Asian immigrant is fate.

In response to getting reamed daily by the WGA and the Minority Cosa Nostra for not employing enough Colored Folks in creative positions on TV shows, the networks have all of these Diversity Initiatives where you submit some samples, write an essay and hopefully get a job on staff where you will magically add flava to the stodgy whities writing our TV.

I’ve always thought of them as anathema to me but since I’ve recently finished a couple of TV scripts, I’ve totally embraced the horror.

Yeah, it’s Miller Time!

Each of the applications have to be accompanied by a short essay about your background and “what from your background would you bring to diversify the landscape of television writing.”

It’s a stupid question because everybody is going to say the same dame thing. They have some sort of magic to tap into the hearts and minds of the millions of their race (and other minorities) across the country.

Like I said before, I claim to have no such skills. So what the hell do I write about?

With the immigration issue percolating on Capitol Hill and the LOLcat/LOLeverything hypermeme going full throttle, my solution was simple, elegant, and precise showing a certain joie de vivre in both writing and visual styles:

I have solutions for Asian comedian/wrestlers:

And popstars:

So I’m rewriting an old script about New York and the impossibility of love. It’s steeped in 80′s music and this tune happened to come on the iTunes and I was compelled to find the video and post it here. I hope you enjoy it.

I love Joe Jackson. He’s actively campaigned against the smoking bans in the U.S. and the U.K. According to Wikipedia, Jackson fled his long time home in New York after the smoking ban in 2003.

From the script:

Scott: I’d offer you a cigarette but you can’t smoke inside anymore –

Madison: Fuckin’ Bloomberg.

Scott: Fuckin’ Bloomberg indeed.

The next time someone tells me to clean my office, I’m gonna give them the finger and tell them that I can be vice-president with my messy ass office:

TV’s on and Al’s not watching.  That’s not very energy efficient, is it?

We’re totally caught up in the Al Gore fueled anti-global warming, pro-carbon neutral lifestyle, Whole Foods sucks but hey at least they invest in wind power, Earth Day as a national holiday hysteria. While we’re not exactly carbon neutral, we are slowly reducing our carbon footprint by switching out all of our bulbs, driving a low emission car (not hybrid), joining the California Environmentalists and we still shop at Whole Foods even though we hate every bit of rotten ass fruit they sell.

But while Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore get all the press, you know who I feel bad for?

Steven Seagal and Mark Langston, the o.g. eco warriors.

Where are the shout outs to them? They were out fighting for the environment On Deadly Ground and as Captain Planet waaaaay before caring for the environment was cool.

I’m not saying that On Deadly Ground, which is about a mystical martial artist/environmental agent who takes on a ruthless big oil company in the Alaska wilderness, is some sort of masterpiece or nothing, I’m just saying that Seagal had a message and he used his copious white boy ass kicking (and hand slapping) skills to disseminate it

The rest of the movie is about as simple as a punch in the face. It mostly involves him walking around Alaska in clothes made by the native Eskimos, flipping bitches for real with his Aikido and then saying some stuff about the environment.

It’s kind of the bomb but as the 3.5 out of 10 on imdb indicates, it was not (and is still not well) received.

And imagine the ridicule that Mark Langston had to endure the locker room when his teammates found out instead of getting in an extra session of long toss, he had to go all Hollywood as the voice of this aqua skinned cartoon character who fought for the planet.

Langston was one of my favorite pitchers when I was a kid but even I didn’t want to be one of his Planeteers.

Now, as an adult, understanding how prescient both of these great men were, it pains me that they are not getting the propers they deserve.

Shame on me for not understanding.

Shame on all of us.

this is the best. news. ever.

Though the Warriors have been doing their darndest to make basketball really damn exciting without nutkickers flying around kicking nuts, Bruce Bowen reminds us that the Rochambeau Rule is the bomb. 

Of course, as you will see, since he was “handling the ball,” he would have been called for a foul even IF our fabulous rule had been adopted.

The league will likely upgrade the foul call on Bowen to a flagrant one and are thinking about suspending him.

Pish posh, I say.  As the most recent vanguard of the Rochambeau Rule, Bowen ought to be feted, not suspended.   

Even King Kaufman on Salon has chimed in:

Have I mentioned that I love [Bruce Bowen]? Seriously. He’s a classic wrestling-style hero, which the NBA is pretty good at producing, and which is an entertaining breed. I still get a warm feeling when I think back on how much I disliked Bill Laimbeer in the heyday of the “bad boy” Detroit Pistons.

I’m sorry Steve Nash got kicked in the package and everything, but that sort of thing does tend to turn up the flames a notch or two.

Imagine if there was a rule that allowed this sort of thing to happen all the time?  

David Stern, countless others and I are calling on you to make like Al Gore and have the courage to change.

Kirk Cameron tried to prove the existence of God?  Holy sheeeeeit!  Thanks to the Internet, we can see him (and his buddy Ray Comfort) get totally moded as he tries to respond to the first law of thermodynamics.  It happens around 8:20.

Dude.  Mike Seaver’s brain totally got Left Behind.