johnnyhongkong says…

The temp in my office crashed/snuck into/crashed the Vanity Fair Oscars party on Sunday.  He’s got a Kodak Gallery set up of pictures of him with Scorsese, Coppolla, Madonna, Forest Whitaker and other assorted hoi polloi.  His report from the party is crazy and while I could post those pictures with his story and how he managed to sneak in, I won’t.  Instead, this: 

The thing I hate most about the writing process is not staring in front of a blank screen.  I looooove that part. 

The thing I hate most is naming characters.

It’s a lot of pressure.  A name is important.  It carries weight and meaning.  Sure, words and meanings have no inherent connection but there’s something different about names.  They actually say something about the people they belong to. 

That’s why folks struggle over naming their kids.  Whatever name that the kid leaves the hospital with will become an inextricable part of its identity, a part of its very being. 

And what’s scary is that names are a crapshoot.  It’s either perfect or not.  Of course, there are a bunch of middle of the road, no risk names, such as the first four or five books of the Bible for men, and the four horsewomen of the apocalypse (Jessica, Jennifer, Sarah and Stephanie) for the ladies.

It’s the same with naming characters in writing.  On a page, all your got are words so every one of those words should be employed to give the reader a sense of what they will see.  In that way, the names need to say something about the characters. 

For example: John Hong Kong is a dick.  Johnny Hong Kong, on the other hand, is the loveable rapscallion, dashing man about town you know and love. 

Usually, I spend more time stressing over names than I do actually writing.  I pore through Final Draft’s names database and the Social Security names database for first and last names.  I run words that I think of as defining character traits for a characther through anagramizers to see there’s a catchy name to hang it all on.  One of my early screenplays has a character with the last name DASPAS which can be unscrambled as SAD SAP. 

With screenplays, once I come up with the names of the major characters, I always feel a huge weight off my shoulders, like I am finally free to write.  However, now that I’m working on a TV pilot with a returning cast of ten and a rotating cast of hundreds, I feel like my head is going to explode trying to name all of these fools properly.

Not only do the names have to be perfect, do I have too many names starting with the letter “K” or the letter “M”?  Do these names sound too similar?  Will readers be confused? 

These are the things that keep me up at night or at least keep me from writing.

Naming has always been a problem for me on all front. And the horrible thing is that I can’t write until I have names worked out.  Names of characters.  Names of projects.  Names of blog posts.  Names of folks who appear on this blog. 

Names help me organize my thoughts.  

The Bitch’s original title page is full of working titles.  This is just a sampling: NEW SLOW SAD FILM, A SLIB OF LOREY, NOBLE ROT.  We eventually had to hold an online focus group to finalize the title.

You may ask if naming is already so difficult for me, how will Mary Milan and I ever name our kids if we have them. 

Mary Milan and I have already discussed my naming problem and we have come to a solution.  I think she was scared to death at the possibility of leaving the hospital with our kid “New, Slow, Sad Kid” or “Untitled Mary Milan and Johnny Hong Kong Project” so she headed it off waaaaay before any such discussion was even necessary. 

If it’s a boy, his name is going to be Tyrone.  We’re as of yet undecided about girl names but we have time.  It’s the luxury of doing things early. 

For more reading on the science of names, click here. 

The Oscars. Hollywood’s big night. Another opportunity for E!’s Giuliana DePandi to display her stupid headed, leechy inanity on the red carpet during the pre-show. She’s actually the reason why I want to make something that will get me an invite to walk down the red carpet at the Oscars or the Golden Globes.

That’s right – it is not for the fame, fortune, or success. No, I just want to see that bitch standing in the wings, waiting to stick her microphone in my face to ask us what Mary Milan is wearing, and instead of answering, giving her a fucking piledriver – psychologically speaking, of course.

Anyway, here’s what our Oscar ballot looked like (if we had one to fill out and send to the Academy). Mary Milan’s votes are in bold and mine are in italics *(and real winners are in caps, always caps):

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond”
Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”
Peter O’Toole in “Venus”
Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”
FOREST WHITAKER in “The Last King of Scotland”

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
ALAN ARKIN in “Little Miss Sunshine”
Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children”
Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond”
Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls”
Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed”

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Penélope Cruz in “Volver”
Judi Dench in “Notes on a Scandal”
HELEN MIRREN in “The Queen”
Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada”
Kate Winslet in “Little Children”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Adriana Barraza in “Babel”
Cate Blanchett in “Notes on a Scandal”
Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine”
JENNIFER HUDSON in “Dreamgirls”
Rinko Kikuchi in “Babel”

Seriously where did all this Dreamgirls heat come from? Who likes this movie?

Best animated feature film of the year
“Cars”
“HAPPY FEET”
“Monster House”

Achievement in art direction
“Dreamgirls”
“The Good Shepherd”
“PAN’S LABYRINTH”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
“The Prestige”

Achievement in cinematography
“The Black Dahlia” Vilmos Zsigmond
“Children of Men” Emmanuel Lubezki
“The Illusionist” Dick Pope
“PAN’S LABYRINTH” GUILLERMO NAVARRO
“The Prestige” Wally Pfister

It’s really a testament to just how bad The Black Dahlia is – Zsigmond’s otherworldly photography couldn’t even save the film.

Achievement in costume design
“Curse of the Golden Flower” Yee Chung Man
“The Devil Wears Prada” Patricia Field
“Dreamgirls” Sharen Davis
“MARIE ANTOINETTE” MILENA CANONERO
“The Queen” Consolata Boyle

Achievement in directing
“Babel” Alejandro González Iñárritu
“THE DEPARTED” MARTIN SCORSESE
“Letters from Iwo Jima” Clint Eastwood
“The Queen” Stephen Frears
“United 93” Paul Greengrass

Since I’m always disappointed when Scorsese loses in this category (even for his pandering pictures), there’s a part of me that wants to hang my vote on Clint Eastwood and Aunt Jemima (what Ricky Tokyo calls Letters from Iwo Jima) as Mary Milan has.

I saw United 93 on Friday.  It was very difficult to watch.  I found myself wanting it to end differently.

Best documentary feature
“Deliver Us from Evil”
“AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH”
“Iraq in Fragments”
“Jesus Camp”
“My Country, My Country”

Best documentary short subject
“THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT”
“Recycled Life”
“Rehearsing a Dream”
“Two Hands”

Achievement in film editing
“Babel” Stephen Mirrione and Douglas Crise
“Blood Diamond” Steven Rosenblum
“Children of Men” Alex Rodríguez and Alfonso Cuarón
“THE DEPARTED” THELMA SCHOONAMKER
“United 93” Clare Douglas, Christopher Rouse and Richard Pearson

Best foreign language film of the year
“After the Wedding”
“Days of Glory (Indigènes)”
“THE LIVES OF OTHERS”
“Pan’s Labyrinth”
“Water”

Achievement in makeup
“Apocalypto” Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano
“Click” Kazuhiro Tsuji and Bill Corso
“PAN’S LABYRINTH” DAVID MARTI AND MONTSE RIBE

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
“BABEL” GUSTAVO SANTAOLALLA
“The Good German” Thomas Newman
“Notes on a Scandal” Philip Glass
“Pan’s Labyrinth” Javier Navarrete
“The Queen” Alexandre Desplat

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
“I NEED TO WAKE UP” from “AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH”
“Listen” from “Dreamgirls”
“Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls”
“Our Town” from “Cars” 
“Patience” from “Dreamgirls”

Best motion picture of the year
“Babel”
“THE DEPARTED”
“Letters from Iwo Jima”
“Little Miss Sunshine”
“The Queen”

I saw LMS on a plane without sound and I understood everything that happened, laughed at all the right places, and generally had a pleasant movie watching experience.  That must mean it was the best motion picture of the year, right?  It communicated its story and meaning visually with a succession of moving pictures without dialogue, music, and any of the other accepted film tropes.

That being said, I don’t actually think it was the best picture of the year but after last year’s Crash disaster, anything can happen.

Best animated short film
“THE DANISH POET”
“Lifted”
“The Little Matchgirl”
“Maestro”
“No Time for Nuts”

Best live action short film
“Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)”
“Éramos Pocos (One Too Many)”
“Helmer & Son”
“The Saviour”
“WEST BANK STORY”

Achievement in sound editing
“Apocalypto”
“Blood Diamond”
“Flags of Our Fathers”
“LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”

Achievement in sound mixing
“Apocalypto”
“Blood Diamond”
“DREAMGIRLS”
“Flags of Our Fathers”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”

Achievement in visual effects
“PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST” 
“Poseidon”
“Superman Returns” 

Poseidon?  WTF?  There must have been another movie with visual effects…

Adapted screenplay
“Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” by Sacha Baron Cohen & Anthony Hines & Peter Baynham & Dan Mazer
“Children of Men” by Alfonso Cuarón & Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby
“THE DEPARTED” by WILLIAM MONAHAN
“Little Children” by Todd Field and Tom Perrotta
“Notes on a Scandal” by Patrick Marber

Original screenplay
“Babel” by Guillermo Arriaga
“Letters from Iwo Jima” by Iris Yamashita
“LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE” by Michael Arndt
“Pan’s Labyrinth” by Guillermo del Toro
“The Queen” by Peter Morgan

The depths of my procrastination have reached new lows:

I organized my entire Gmail box. Mind you, I didn’t do it the smart way. I didn’t click select all and click the archive button like a normal person would have done. I made labels, filters, and starred messages that I should reply to, instead of you, replying. I am now lasciviously eyeing the cluttered inbox of my email client like my name was Humbert Humbert.

I started re-editing one of my short films…that premiered at the New York Film and Video Festival SEVEN YEARS AGO. I am just taking out shots that have always killed me over the years so it’s not a radical re-edit, just sort of a seven year tune up.

The obvious question is…for what?

I broke the shit out of my blog. This is the price I pay for:

1) changing themes like an asshole
2) not backing up like an asshole
3) procratinating like an asshole

Try to click a title link. It’ll tell you that it can’t find it. But its there. Somewhere. It’s like my blog had a stroke. Or an aneurysm. My last backup was in early December which would do me good only if I knew how to restore it and also restore what I’ve written since then.

So long story short: it’s limited capacity here. Sort of like Hong Kong has reverted back to China or something. You can see all the old posts by using that crazy slider up top. I am also going to up the posts on the front page to the maximum allowed.

*UPDATE: With the exception of the banner where Tcheky Karyo is not having time for any Mickey Mouse bullshit, we are back. Whew. At least I didn’t lose a thumb drive. That would have been disastrous.

The Year of the Pig has not been tasty for Nikki Nagasaki.

First, over the weekend, as she was in the final push to finish her hottt TV pilot, her computer crashed and she lost all of the work she had done that day.

Then on Monday, after working all of Sunday to redo everything she had done on Saturday, she lost her memory key which contained every. single. thing. she. has. ever. written.

Worse yet, it was stolen. From an internet cafe. In Hollywood.

As Ricky Tokyo says, “every writer’s nightmare.”

Ever the writer, she sees the dramatic possibilities in her misery:

This struggling screenwriter is staking out internet cafes trying to get over his writer’s block and make a few bucks at the same time…He almost hits delete on everything (so he can sell the thumbdrive for $5) but finds a script he just can’t stop reading. He claims it’s his and sells it making millions.

In a romantic comedy twist, he also finds a photo of the writer he stole from and falls in love.

He finds her, steals her from her fiance. And after she gives everything up for him, she finds out he’s a stupid petty theft moron.

In a thriller twist, she kills him.

In a horror twist, she kills him slowly.

You might be able to tell but she’s been watching a whole lot of Asian horror. Could Nikki Nagasaki become the new Takahasi Miike? Could Audition II: The Pitch be on the horizon? A documentary perhaps? Let this be a warning to whoever stole Nikki Nagasaki’s memory key: if you meet a Japanese girl who cozies up to you, be on the lookout for potato sacks.

Here are some steps you can take to secure your USB drive in the event it gets lost or stolen.

Happy New Year!

This has got to be a great year, since it is the year of the pig, the noble animal that is responsible for all that is fine and good in the culinary world.

Truffles?
Bacon?
Pork fat?

Need I go on?

So, here’s to a very treyf but very tasty year.

So far, it’s begun fairly well. The pilot finally came in for an awkward landing. But as they say, any landing you can walk away from is a good one. He’s gonna go back up in the air but for now, he’s safe on the ground as we pick apart and revise his flight pattern.

And my favorite story about a pig/boar/hog that has nothing to do with food is that while we were in Anderson Valley, trekking through some backwoods to find a pretty location to shoot a scene for the film, we happened upon a boar who had met an untimely death. It had been decapitated and its head was stuck on top of a gate post, like you’d imagine some barbarian sticking human heads on stakes. It was fresh too, it’s blood was still dripping down the sides of the post and not too many flies had gathered yet.

We were all grossed out but how do you pass up an opportunity to shoot that? I made one of our actors examine it and meditate on what seeing a dead boar meant to his character. Our DP did her best to shoot the scene without getting too close to the nastyness. Much to the actor’s credit, he got right up in the boar’s face. It ended up being the scene with the most production design.

Paired with the music and the voiceover, it’s one of my favorite moments in the film.

I leave you to celebrate Chinese New Year with some pork treats off the beaten track and some other tender vittles:

Pork Martinis!
Pig Candy!
Have a kid!
The future of entertainment!
Salumi
The Pork Chop Express

The doctor’s appointment went about as well as it could have. I explained what was going on and just as I steeled myself for him to pull out his prescription book to write some stupid shit about Tagamet and for me to get all House on his ass, he said, “That’s really strange and atypical. It doesn’t sound like you have a normal case of acid reflux.”

I thought to myself, “You betta recognize!”

We chatted about it some more and he referred me to a gastroenterologist. Now I’m nervous that the GI is going to tell me that I have simple acide reflux or he’s going to want to stick a camera down my throat.

That’s a sure way to make me barf.