This is just fair warning to our fellow Angelenos: we are going on vacation which means that Mary Milan is leaving the city which can only mean one thing: an earthquake is coming!

As she tells it, whenever she’s out of town, an earthquake hits. Having been in the Los Angeles a few times while she’s been away, I know for a fact that this is not true, but with all the earthquake talk that seems to be going around the past few days and weeks, it’s probably better to play it safe than sorry so I’m gonna say: get yo’ass prepared, bitches!

I’ve been waaaay jumpy about earthquakes over the past few weeks. I don’t know if the media has been seeping into my unconscious or if my quakey sense is tingling but it’s just been waaay too quiet and like that movie character says, “…it’s too quiet.”

I love little earthquakes. Not only are they, in Billy Joe London’s words, sexy, little earthquakes also relieve pressure. Think of it like the planet masturbating a little all the time as opposed to holding it all in and then letting rip at once. If the earth was a dude who didn’t “relieve pressure,” he’d probably go shoot up the post office or something.

Anyway, we’ve cobbled together 5 gallons of water and a couple days of food because I am convinced that a “the big one” is just around the corner. We even have the beginnings of an emergency plan: an action plan and a meeting place. If we’re at work, we’re gonna walk through the rubble to Santa Monica and Wilshire, baby! Hey, I said it was the “beginnings” of a plan, not a “good” plan or one that you should emulate.

Here are plans you should strive to emulate: LA County Fire Department and the Official SF disaster preparedness site. And in the event you just want to go buy some stuff, here’s ours for a quick primer:

• A first aid kit
• A battery powered radio
• Batteries (we don’t have the proper batteries for our radio yet - damn! talk about jumpy - an alarm just went off here and I almost jumped underneath my desk)
• 72 hours of food and water. Look, just ‘cuz it’s an emergency doesn’t mean you can not come correct with your food (make sure that you buy unsalted stuff or you’ll get dehydrated):
  Canned sockeye salmon (Omega-3’s)
  Canned tuna in olive oil (add some olives and you sorta have nicoise salad)
  Canned chicken
  Mixed southern greens
  Canned spinach
  Precooked brown rice in bags
  Canned Sweet potatoes
  A boat load of Balance bars and other types of bars (fruit, oat, nut)
  Other assorted canned meats, fruits, and vegetables
  2.5 gallons of water per person (it’s more per person than they recommend but since you should also have a couple bottles of scotch with you, you’re going to find yourself more dehydrated)

And those in the know recommend that you put together a “go-bag” with stuff that you can grab and bounce out of the house in 30 seconds. We haven’t gotten it together to assemble one but you should. Our kit is by no means complete. If you notice glaring omissions, please let us know.

I hope I’m wrong. You can make fun of me if there is never, ever another big earthquake in Southern California.

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