research suggests that perhaps the best thing you can do for your health is to get massages regularly.

seriously.

massage therapy has been proven to lower coritsol levels (your stress hormone. it will kill the hell out of you) and raise seratonin and dopamine levels (your happy hormones) for up to three days. it’s even supposed to make your body raise its production of killer t-cells. i wrote a screenplay about killer t-cells and how they are the bomb. you want them when the shit goes down.

there are some researchers in complimentary and alternative medicines who will only recommend massage as it has been proven as an efficacious therapy.

so being the scientific home that we are, mary milan and I decided to put this whole massage research to the test.

METHODOLOGY: We had a little spa day yesterday at The Lounge Spa in Culver City where we drank strawberry and rose water, lounged around in robes, got deep tissue massages, and lounged around some more.

We then ventured to the Third Street Promenade, during peak hours, on a hot, long weekend Sunday, to be mobbed by the thousands of bitches out and about and on the way to the beach.

BACKGROUND: Mary Milan has a very specific reaction to being stuck in these situations: she starts throwing elbows, like she learned back in her basketball days, and just starts barrelling through. This of course, is a much better alternative than the thing she really wants to do, which is swing her purse and smack the slow pokes upside the head, a la Homie the Clown.

I just want to scream and lay down on the ground, curl up in the fetal position and cry. It’s one of the reasons why I moved out of NYC; I was getting trampled on a daily basis in SoHo.

Maybe we’re a little more sensitive to it than others (which is why we were perfect candidates for this experiment) but you’d be a little tense, agitated, and possibly stressed to the point of losing all hope if you were stuck in the mass of humanity, getting bumped and prodded with no respect for your personal space or means for egress.

RESULTS: It worked. We spent four hours in the hot mess of the Promenade like normal civilized people. And it was particularly bad yesterday. Just the parking - 15 minutes to find parking in one of those lots, and about 30 minutes to get out - was a nightmare, but we perservered without a single elbow thrown, head smacked, scream yelled, or concrete laid upon.

We shopped with a breezy optimism in the mouth of the Promenade’s summer maddness. As someone who routinely scoffs at the healing powers of yoga and massage and how gay it all is, I was amazed at how well it worked. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still totally gay, but it also totally works.

CONFOUNDS: Before the spa, we went to yoga which may have already depressed our cortisol levels. Research suggests that yoga reduces depression, with some results almost as significant as anti-depressants.

At least that’s what Mary Milan, who is a yogi in the offing, tells me. And we can trust her because not only is she a health-psych guru, she has also been quoted in a newspaper on the subject:

“[Asanas] take so much concentration that you have to focus on your body. You can’t zone out like when you’re running and you can’t do the poses correctly unless you really think,” said Mary Milan, as sweat poured down her face.

Milan also said she felt extremely relaxed after attending a strength and flexibility class based on yoga…

To her credit, she has also said, “I’m into organic food, yoga and all that, but have the good sense to be a bit embarrassed about it.”

Our results are further confounded by the yummy carnitas and fish tacos we had for lunch at Tacos Por Favor, which reminds me of a little taco shack in the Aztec ruins at Chichen Itza, where Mary Milan and I whiled away the afternoon squeezing lime on our tacos and drinking Pacifico…

Okay, we haven’t actually been to that place yet and I’m not exactly sure that place exists, but if it did, it would be like Tacos Por Favor.

CONCLUSION AND IMPLICATIONS FOR FURTHER STUDY: Though the results are compelling, further study is required and Mary Milan and I are up to the grueling task of subjecting ourselves to monthly massages. You can’t say that we are unwilling to sacrifice our bodies in the name of science.

PARTICIPATION: You can put our study to the test. In fact, we encourage it. Go to The Lounge Spa and experience their first class service and ammenities at amazingly affordable prices. We got the Grand Marnier Muscle Meltdown and we suspect that the rest of their menu is equally good. Plus, we love their anti-cell phone stance!

The Lounge Spa
11911 W. Washington Blvd., Suite B
Los Angeles, CA 90066
(East of Centinela)
p 310-398-1498
f 310-398-1483

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