Never, never, never watch a broadcast movie on A&E. Mary Milan and I made the mistake of getting sucked into The Shining this past Saturday on A&E and were treated to an ungodly amount of commercials.

Towards the end of the film, the network cut to commercial about every seven minutes. And they weren’t even new commercials, it was all the same crap commercials for kitty litter and diet pills and other stupid shit that Mary Milan and I are now going to boycott and boycott hard. Bitches.
But one interesting thing did come out of all those damned commercials. Did you know that the hand game known as “Rock, Paper, Scissors” not only has a world society, but also a world championship event? That will be broadcast on A&E this Saturday? There’s even a system of philosophy and religion rooted in RPS?

Ridiculous. Is this what has sport devolved to: bitches trying to outwit each other making hand signs? Ridiculous or maybe it’s hilarious…hmmm…maybe there’s a new project in the works for me.  Dammit, because of our boycott, I can’t watch the RPS championships for research.

Some of you may know Rock, Paper, Scissors, by its alternate name: Roshambo. But did you know that according to the dubious sources at the Urban Dictionary, it’s a bastardization of Jean-Baptiste Donatien de Vimeur, comte de Rochambeau, a lieutenant general who “was so skilled at kicking the British’s balls in battle, that his victories were called ‘Rochambeau’s’”.

I don’t think Urban Dictionary is as highly policed as Wikipedia (and I’m guessing the guy who wrote that entry just saw that South Park episode where Cartman kicks people in the nuts) but I love the image of this French commander rolling around during the American Revolution kicking the British in the nuts.

You probably know where I’m going with this.

Yep, that’s right: my proposed nut kicker rule amendment.
The nut kicker just sounds so inelegant and unpalatable. Imagine sitting down in a meeting with David Stern and saying, “hey, we want to institute the nut kicker rule.” You’d be laughed out of New York faster than The Knicks Jeff Weaver. But if you called it “The Rochambeau Rule,” well, now you’re talking.
So from now on, the nut kicker rule will be known as the “Rochambeau Rule” (spelled as such to disambiguate from “Roshambo,” the alternate name of RPS). I like it because it even sounds like “The Larry Bird Rule” which means that it is even MORE likely that David Stern will add it to agenda of the next NBA competition committee meeting.

***UPDATE***

Conrad Connecticut, Esq. sends word that innovations have been made in jurisprudence.

From a recent decision handed down from the Hon. Gregory A. Presnell, U.S. District Judge in the Middle District of Florida, Orlando division regarding the matter of Avista Management Inc., v. Wausau Underwriters Insurance Company:

This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff’s Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion “the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts”

ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED. Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of “rock, paper, scissors.” The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801. [emphasis mine]

If any of you are in Florida, please, please, please try to be at the courthouse at 4 p.m. on June 30th or find out where this RPS legal smackdown is happening. I need results!

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