Somewhat buried in the weekend histrionics of the NFL draft and Stephen Colbert’s nuclear performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner, was the news that in Saturday’s playoff game between the Denver Nuggets and the Los Angeles Clippers, Nuggets forward Reggie Evans grabbed Clippers center Chris Kaman’s nuts while jockeying for rebounding position.  A couple of reactions:

1. Ouch.
2. Ouch.
3. Haha.  Sort of like that video that never wins America’s Funniest Home Videos where an unsuspecting dad is playing with his little kid and the kid accidentally smacks or kicks the old man in the nards.  Hilarious.  The fact that Evans consciously resorted to such tactics makes it even funnier.  And the hilarity continues when you find out he’s a repeat offender.
4. Don’t give me all this, “this has never been seen on an basketball court” b.s.  Have we forgotten that current NBA golden boy Chris Paul was suspended by Wake Forest for a game last year for punching Julius Hodge in the nuts?  Which leads me to…
5. I think we need to see more of this.  Not unsanctioned low blows but sanctioned low blows.  Hear me out.  I used to be a big basketball fan but due to the futility of the Golden State Warriors and the epic disaster that is now known as the New York Knickerbockers, the NBA has lost me.  But I want to come back into the fold.  I’m yearning to come back into the fold.  I want to help the NBA become the Never Boring Association and so it is in this spirit that I propose (again) that in the post-Jordan era, we should see more low blows:

My burning bush said, “what Basketball needs a 6th person on the court - a nut kicker.”
 
Genius.
 
It would be a great equalizer. You think Kobe’s so smooth and his beef is so tender? Tell me what happens after it gets kicked a few times. You think Big Aristotle is so unstoppable? Kick him in his little Aristotles. Iverson acting a fool with his gats? Kick him in the nads.
 
Both teams would have nut kickers. Nut kickers can get their nuts kicked, but only by the other team’s nut kickers. They cannot touch the ball (the actual one in play). Their sole purpose is to kick or not kick other people in the nuts. You see the strategy developing?
 
[snip…]
 
I feel it.
 
In my bathing suit area.
 

***UPDATE***

Joey Jerusalem just emailed to drop some science on the rules we devised for the proposed “Nut Kicker Amendment” in the NBA rulebook.  If I remember correctly, the following rules were created on our walk up to the Kips Bay movie palace to see The General’s Daughter or some such lazy Sunday nonsense:

1. Each team may have only 1 nutkicker on the roster.

2. Only nutkickers are allowed to kick nuts without penalty.

3. Nutkickers can sub for any position.

4. Nutkickers may receive and make passes, and even shoot–but cannot score.  An assist by a nutkicker cannot result in a score. 

5. Fouling a nutkicker who does not have possession results in doubling of all normal penalties for the offending player or a free unobstructed nutkick of any opposing team member, including coaches and trainers (fouled team’s choice).

6. Only 1 nutkick allowed per offensive possession.  Defensive nutkicking is unlimited.

7. Nutkickers may kick each others’ nuts without penalty.

8. Any non-foot/nut contact (offensive or defensive, with possession or against a player with possession, or away from the ball) initiated by a nutkicker is a double penalty foul against the nutkicker’s team as described above in (5).

9. All nutkickers must wear the NBA-prescribed “nutkicking apparatus” consisting of a specially padded shoe worn on either the left or right foot.  All other equipment and enhancements, such as needles, blades, spikes, and weights, as well as powders and genital skin irritants, are strictly prohibited.

10. A 5-second rule between all defensive nutkicking shall be in effect.  Violations result in a normal shooting foul and loss of possession. 

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