johnnyhongkong says…

I’ve been meaning to write about this particularly disturbing thing that happened to me two weeks ago but Mary Milan’s brother was in town and I’ve fallen back in the clutch of this vicious grippe that’s been going around. That, and I also think I blocked it out because it was so damn disturbing.

I was molested by an 80-year old. Seriously.

Two weeks ago, Mary Milan and I are walking out of a hospital, talking about something when from the corner of my eye, I see an old woman approaching. She seems harmless - hunched over, wrinkled, head full of white hair - and so my danger radar doesn’t even register a blip.

As it is hot, I begin to take off my jacket and just as we pass the octogenarian, I feel a real, hard slap on my ass. And it wasn’t a hard slap like “go win one for the gipper,” it was more like a slap grab, screaming, “I gotta get me some of that hong kong badonkadonk.”

!!!

I look back at the old woman, shocked out of my mind. She turns back to look at Mary Milan and me and flashes a devilish smile.

“She did it,” she says, referring to Mary Milan and with a cackle, she ambles off, happy to have stolen a taste of the sweet nectar that is my bum (a side note, I should have known that she was hardcore since she was walking without the aid of a walker).

Okay, so “molested” is a stong word and yes, it’s true that I’ve turned down numerous offers to pose in the AARP Beefcake Calendar and I might have brought this on myself because I was taking off my coat (so you can’t blame her for losing control of her faculties for social grace in the presence of my hotttness) but I mean seriously. If a man did that to a woman, he’d get slapped…at best.

All I have to say is that she’s lucky that Mary Milan was as shocked as I was because if she had her wits about her, Mary Milan would have laid the smackdown on that old lady.

Piledriver. That’s right. Piledriver.

In fact, Mary Milan has been investigating this woman’s whereabouts so she can track her down and give her a piece of her mind. That or share stories about my ass.