Mary Milan dragged me to the doctor again for the second time in a week because she was sick of hearing me complain about my ear and seeing me bump into things around the house. I was ashamed because I thought I simply had a case of water in the ear.

I sheepishly explained my problem to the doctor who smiled smugly and took a look into my affected ear.

“Whoa…that’s a severe blockage,” he said and immediately called for a nurse to do an ear lavage, which is a nice way of saying “an ear colonic.”

I’m not going to gross you out with the gory details, just this: near the end of the process, the nurse recoiled, turned to Mary Milan and said, “Now, don’t be alarmed, okay?” She then proceeded to dig in my ear with a mini-cattle prod and then everything happened real fast: I heard a plop, a sudden flow of noise into my once plugged ear and Mary Milan’s exclaimation, “YEE!”

“Don’t be alarmed” and “Yee!” were the last things I wanted to hear with my brand new ear but when I looked down into the ear wax receptacle and saw the kidney bean sized lump of ear wax and it’s three smaller satellite wax lumps, I understood why she warned Mary Milan. I didn’t know what else to say so I apologized to the nurse for having to deal with my grossness. She assured me that she had seen worse but I find that just plain unbelievable.

As we waited for my doctor to come back to sign off on the treatment, I couldn’t stop thinking about the earwigs in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn and had to fight the urge to run through the halls of office screaming, “Eeetz nawtah tooomah!!!” a la the Governator in Kindergarten Cop.

In any event, I strongly suggest visiting your doctor and asking for your very own ear lavage. My head feels five pounds lighter and I can hear better than ever.

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